There Was A Time ...

There was a time when I was a young, snot-nosed girl, when things were much simpler and most importantly, cheaper.

I remember when air sirap (rose drink) cost you only 20 cents for a glass (no ice) at school. It was considered the cheapest drink, and it was the most heavily consumed in comparison to other drinks. Milo was too expensive for us kids to drink at school on a daily basis. Now, a frickin’ air sirap (with ice) costs RM1.20!! That’s an additional RM1 compared to 15 years ago. How inflation is robbing us blind.

Nasi lemak, Malaysians favourite meal to consume in the morning, noon and night; used to cost 50 cents. There was also some that cost RM1 but those were in a larger portion, however just the 50 cents were sufficient to fill your tummy for hours to come. Now, that 50 cents nasi lemak costs RM1.20. 70 cents more than 15 years ago.

I'm not saying everything is better back in the days, I'm just saying that, well, it's just plain cheaper. Inflation and the once, twice, thrice economic downturn did all this. DAMN THOSE WALLSTREET MANIACS!!!!! 

15 years ago. God, I feel so old! 15 years ago I was only 9 years old.

15 years ago.

15 years ago, there was less controversial things on TV than there are now. Movies didn’t always have explicit sex scenes because there was no need for that. The storyline had all the juice and spiciness without the necessity for graphic sexual encounters. Nowadays, everywhere you turn, even on the small screen, they just have to have it.

I read an article about a group of PTA or some sorts that launched an attack on TV directors and shows such as Gossip Girls, Glee etc. because of the racy and suggestive contents of the shows. A comment by a delusional individual (I suppose who is ‘of age’) stated that these shows aren’t meant for children or teens because of the ‘adult’ nature. I would just like to say that this is Glee we’re talking about. (remember the Brittany/Britney episode)

In my opinion, if the movie/show is about kids and teens, even though the actors are young adults, it should showcase suitability for kids and teens alike. Just because Blake was 21 years old when she did the romping scene in GG, she was portraying a 15/16 year old schoolgirl hence she should be acting appropriately. She’s supposed to portray a troubled child … there are other ways. There is no need to appear on TV in frilly underwear, and a man having the time of his life licking and kissing her skin.

Blackadder. That was a hilarious series, and still is which is why I’m downloading the series as we speak. It was a hit. It was funny. It was epic. It didn’t have sex scenes. But then we had F.R.I.E.N.D.S and Sex & The City and the likes. I think Americans tend to think with their ****s rather than anything else. The constant need for sexual activities astound me. Like they have nothing else to do with their lives. Maybe they don’t.

Just goes to show, when you don’t have a religion, faith, belief to hold on to, this is what happens.

END

There Was A Time ...

Solat Sunat Istikharah

Seseorang yang menghadapi sesuatu soal yang bersifat mudah, sedang ia sendiri masih ragu-ragu mana sebaiknya dilakukan, maka di sunatkan mengerjakan solat yang bukan termasuk wajib.
Solat itu boleh saja di waktu mengerjakan sunat Rawatib atau Tahiyatul-masjid dan boleh pula di waktu malam atau pun siang, sedang bacaan sehabis Al-Fatihah dapat dipilih sekehendaknya.

Niat Solat Istikharah

Sengaja aku mengerjakan sembahyang istikharah dua rakaat kerana Allah Ta'ala

Doa Solat Istikharah

"Ya Allah, saya memohonkan pilihan menurut pengetahuanMu dan memohonkan penetapan dengan kesuasaanMu juga saya memohonkan kurniaMu yang besar, sebab sesungguhnya Engkaulah yang Maha Mengetahui dan saya tidak mengetahui apa-apa. Engkau Maha Mengetahui segala yang ghaib. Ya Allah, jikalau di dalam ilmuMu bahawa urusan saya ini........baik untukku dalam agamaku, kehidupanku serta akibat urusanku, maka takdirkanlah untukku dan mudahkanlah serta berikanlah berkah kepadaku di dalamnya. Sebaliknya jikala di dalam ilmumu bahawa urusan ini buruk untukku, dalam agamaku, kehidupan serta akibat urusanku, maka jauhkanlah hal itu daripadaku dan jauhkanlah aku daripadanya serta takdirkanlah untukku yang baik-baik saja dimana saja adanya, kemudian puaskanlah hatiku dengan takdirMu itu."

Solat Sunat Istikharah

How to Win Friends & Influence People

I’m starting to love this book. Out of pure boredom at work, I brought this book over and read at my desk at any possible interval.

It really did shed light on a lot of things that made me wonder why …

Why don’t I have friends?

Why can’t I find a boy ..? hehehe

It taught me simple things like .. show respect for other ppl’s opinions – never tell them they’re wrong. Even tho they are.

Make ppl feel they are important, coz everyone feels they are.

It’s those kind of things .. I think this book is my New Year’s resolution.

To become a better version of myself.

I make enemies so easily .. and I know where I went wrong now.

Hopefully, I commit to this ;D

Knowing myself, it ain’t easy.

Semangat je awal2, and then .. nothing. Hehehe

But let's just try anyway

END

How to Win Friends & Influence People

Mr Caterpillar Man

You stole someone else’s eyebrows
Now it’s thick and bushy and dark
It looks so good on you that
You have now stolen my heart

It sounds horrible doesn’t it?Saying someone’s eyebrows are like some creepy crawly .. but let me tell you, there’s nothing remotely creepy about it, that I can say for sure *heart flutters*

Darn it I can’t think straight because my tummy is growling and threatening to run amok if I don’t fill it up. I don’t know why it’s like this. I already had Nestum + Milo this morning. It should be fine up until noon, where I will then proceed to have lunch. It’s an absolute disgrace that I have to succumb to all this and have B’fast, lunch and  dinner. How the heck am I supposed to lose weight with all this preposterousness.

Anyhoo, back from lunch now (it’s been a few hours since I last wrote this as I had some work to take care of first) and it was truly a satisfying one. Curry mee mmm … delicious. I couldn’t have asked for a better lunch. Well, actually I could. It would have been more ah-mazing if I had dessert to go with it (maybe some cheesecake, just the plain one is more than enough to complete my meal) and the caterpillar eyebrows for eye-candy. Now that would be a lunch of an out-of-this-world proportions.

Damn that guy is hot! I could stare into his eyes all day. That is … if I even get to see him for even more than 5 minutes.

Ooh, I like my fragrance today. [Hehe .. I get distracted way too easily.] I am wearing Bvlgari EDT today. I rarely wear this particular fragrance. It’s not my favourite. I have a new favourite, Givenchy’s Ange ou demon Le Secret. I never intended to purchase a new fragrance for myself as my mum ‘gave’ me quite recently (Jlo’s Live Deluxe) and I was actually looking for one for her instead. I have no idea how I bought the fragrance. I blame the promoter. Damn her!!! Making me take a whiff of the fragrance, and ended up buying it.

And the very next day, what do you know. I bought another fragrance. But this one is for my mum, I promise. (although it’s simply incredible and I am tempted …) Bvlgari (my new fave designer brand for perfumes) Jasmin Noir Jewelry Edition. Yes, you read it right.Jewelry Edition. It’s significantly limited (think only about 100 bottles worldwide) and I was fidgeting as to whether to buy or not to buy. I think I would have regretted not buying it. It was too good an opportunity to miss. Even though I had to practically beg, borrow and steal afterwards out of shortage of cash, it was totally worth it.

I can’t wait to see my mum’s face when she gets it.

The bottle design is already picture perfect. The typical Jasmin Noir you would see on the perfume shelves (or for those of you with exquisite taste, on your dressing table) but with a ‘slight’ addition to the design – an 18 carat gold necklace encompasses the neck of the bottle. That’s right. Now you know why I just had to buy it, by hook or by crook. Which was true to the case as my credit card almost maxed out (by just a few tens of ringgit). For my dearest mum, I would sacrifice it all. Well, it was slightly selfish of me because, well, I don’t really know how to put it into words but there was something inside of me that, just buying the fragrance (even if not for myself) was pure therapeutic.

Heck! I’m supposed to be writing about the Caterpillar Man, not Bvlgari!

Let’s list down what it is about him that attracted me so.

1)      Height – he’s tall … enough anyway. I would like him taller, but, I suppose you can’t have it all.
2)      Nice bod – not skinny, not bulky, no tummy. That’s fine by me.
3)      Smart – he dresses nicely. Love the pressed shirt, perfectly knotted tie, a little spike in the hair … not too much. Just right.
4)      Fair – he’s fair-skinned, which is what I like (not being so fair myself, well, just a slight) but just a nice coloured skin tone.
5)      Features – strong, captivating, the eyebrows … *sigh*

There you go. It doesn’t take much apparently, to make me fall head over heels.

The problem is (heck there’s a gazillion problems to it actually) I have no idea where he works. Well, I know he works in my building, that I’m sure of (I think) but which floor? Which dept?

So many questions left unanswered. I can’t even dig up info because I don’t even know how to describe him in the first place. What do I ask people? Do you know a good looking guy with thick eyebrows? Hello … people will think I’m nuts. Which isn’t far off anyway.

I just don’t get the sudden obsession about men’s eyebrows. It never occurred to me that that is the basis for attraction, to me anyhow. How did that come about?

Let’s recall … ok. Back in college, yes, I see it now. The guy I used to like, used to be a close friend, the first (and probably last) guy I told that I liked him. He had thick eyebrows as well. But what about Dublin guy? Did he have thick eyebrows? For the life of me I can’t remember. How long did I have a crush on him? Let’s see … starting March ’07? Or was it Feb? probably more likely it being Feb than March I suppose. Then he went back to Malaysia for hols in June, I then proceeded to return to Malaysia for good in September, to which he returned to Dublin in the same month. Last known contact was via Yahoo Messenger back in 2008 (early 2008 or end of 2007). Either way, he has probably forgotten all about me as he never replied any of my messages (in Yahoo Messenger nor Facebook).

Nonetheless, this guy is my new ultimate goal here. Him, or the nearest look alike. Take your pick.

To quote Mr. T, “Quit yo jibba jabba.”

END

Mr Caterpillar Man

Emptiness?

Blankly staring into the single screen monitor that now occupies my cubicle (finally have one!) at my new office. It is now the 3^rd week I’m working here, and it reminds me of the first few months back at the old workplace … the honeymoon period. Nothing to do but chit-chatting away. Well, at least over there I was ‘socializing’. Here, I’m all alone with no one to talk to but my dutiful Torres and Bob who has since joined me here to keep me company as they did for the past 2 years.

Even then I don’t talk to Torres nor Bob, I mean, hello … we’re talking about a bunch of toys here.

Anyhow, I’ve been slowly adding knick-knacks to my new desk to fill up the emptiness and warmify the whole place. Not sure if it’s working because it still seems so cold and isolated. Maybe because it is isolated in a way. I mean, my surroundings … I have no neighbours dammit. It’s just me and empty cubicles surrounding me.

Things aren’t getting any better as I don’t even have much work to do as I don’t have the proper training to do much anyway. Plus the fact that I don’t have internet access is not making my life any better. So, most of my days is spent doodling, playing around, and only today have I started to do something productive … writing this blog post.

It’s been 4 months since I came back from Manila from a 10 week vacay sponsored by my former employers. I miss it there. I know going there was actually for work purposes … as a Process (and Product) Specialist. But it was a bit like a holiday for me, or for anyone else who went there, as we had some extra cash on top of our own salary, we stayed in a 4 star (I presume) service apartment and got 5 star treatment (the staff there was fabulous) and we got to go places and shop like crazy (for me anyway).

And it has been probably one of the best vacays I ever had due to the fact that I lost weight going there, and no it wasn’t because I went on a diet.

Manila was unable to provide me with the full set of food choices due to religious limitations – I can’t eat pork and I can’t eat meat/chicken as they’re not slaughtered as according to Islam. Due to the limitations, (I was only able to eat vegetables, fish and seafood) I lost some amount of weight to which I believe I may have re-gained now.

I’m not complaining much being back here because food here is thousand times awesome! I can’t live without my nasi lemak and biryani there sucks. Food in general isn’t satisfying. I’m too used to spiciness in my food that it just won’t taste as good if it ain’t spicy. But then again, I love seafood and it’s hard to find good seafood here in Malaysia, whereas in Manila, it was super easy. And cheaper.

*Sigh* I do really miss Manila.

I wish I could go back there .. sponsored by of course. I mean, if I’m gonna be going on a trip with my own pocket money, it’s gonna be somewhere exquisite? Hmm … the ‘cheapest’ place I can think of is Hong Kong. I want to go to Disneyland :D

Anywhere else is in Europe or Dubai. The US of A is kind of bottom of my list because … well, just because. Not really fond of the Yanks.

Australia? Probably. Never really crossed my mind before.

It’s just that I simply adore Europe. My dream vacay would be in Rome or Venice (used to be Paris but I went there already, but I’m not objecting to another trip there). I guess it’s the romantic in me. Just last night I was watching Letters to Juliet for the umpteenth time. It’s cliché in a way (the storyline), but beautiful nonetheless. Most importantly, it’s super romantic without being cheesy.

I just love the part where Charlie climbs up the vines to the balcony to reach Sophie, and uttered the words that melted my heart.

Charlie : I live in London, a gorgeous, vibrant, historic city that I happen to love living in. You live in New York, which is highly overrated.


Sophie : Pardon me?

Charlie : But since the Atlantic Ocean is a bit wide to cross everyday, swimming, boating, or flying, I suggest we flip for it.

Sophie: What are you saying?

Charlie: And if those terms are unacceptable, leaving London will be a pleasure, as long as you’re waiting for me on the other side. Cause the truth is, Sophie, I am madly, deeply, truly, passionately in love with you.

Which comes to another part of my life which is best told in another blog post – looking for my own Prince Charming. No Romeo, as what Charlie has enlightened me that he is no Romeo. Because if it were him, he wouldn't stand there like an idiot, whispering in the garden. He would climb the blasted balcony and be done with it.

Emptiness?

Rumour Has It

A world without gossip is a world without emotions. People need gossip to feel alive. The need to know, whether true or otherwise, are totally irrelevant. Because at the end of the day, as long as you are not the subject of the matter, nothing else actually matters. It is just a tale spun to spice things up in an else, mundane life.


My office is never without gossip. Every single day, there is a story afloat. Somebody someone knows heard it from someone they know and the story goes on. 


If you were to hear it from the horses mouth, it wouldn't be called gossip, now would it?


So, basically, you rarely get first-hand information. But then again, you don't really care. It's juicy, it's succulent, it deviates you from the monotonous of work that you wish to be free off.


Now, a nice piece of drama unfolded recently. And when I say drama, I mean drama with a capital D.R.A.M.A. It's amazing that you would even get to hear  something like this.


One decidedly normal evening, whilst robotically doing my everyday tasks, my next door neighbour (in the office) whispered something perturbedly and disturbing. A girl just attempted to commit suicide!


Apparently she (who isn't even an employee) climbed up a balcony, which was just one storey high, and threatened to jump to whoever who was there who cared.


One thing led to another but nobody knows the whole truth apparently but because of that, and because we needed to keep the juiciness going, we made up our own version of the 'attempted suicide'.


It was fun making stuff up. 


I know, I know. It's bad to laugh at other people's misery, but this girl was funny as s***. I mean, hello .... the height? The most you can get is a broken arm, but you certainly won't die from it. Unless if you're the kind of person who falls funny, and you jump head first, then yes. There is that possibility of death.


I tried to empathise and came up with the rationality that she could have been too stressed out that she didn't even realise that she wasn't up high enough to kill herself. 


At the end of the day, the girl's pain was our pleasure. We sure had a jolly good time at work that evening and we had her to thank for. Our stress level was certainly reduced and we actually enjoyed ourselves.


So it is true what they say ... behind every cloud there's a silver lining. Well, the silver lining wasn't for the girl, but that's besides the point. She did something good that day which was putting tonnes of frowns upside down. We salute you.

Rumour Has It

Jeff Healey Band - Angel Eyes

Jeff Healey Band - Angel Eyes

When Love And Hate Collide

Def Leppard are the BEST ROCK/METAL band EVER!!!!!!!

One of their slower songs, but nonetheless tugs at your heartstrings with such emotion and depth in the lyrics and also the musical arrangements of the song itself.

The original and BEST version from these guys from the UK (which was later ruined by the inclusion of "country darling" Taylor Swift)

When Love And Hate Collide

Bruno Mars - Who Is ?

Bruno Mars - Who Is ?

Bruno Mars - Who Is ?

Bruno Mars - Grenade [Official Music Video]

Absolutely love this song. Not such a fan of his previous single, Just the Way You Are, it's OK but I like this more.It's darker, edgier and really gets to you.

Bruno Mars - Grenade [Official Music Video]

Transatlanticism

Reminiscence of my melancholic college years. I discovered an indie band, Death Cab For Cutie, quite by chance. I don't recall exactly how I stumbled upon them in YouTube, but I do recall everyday, staring into the vast emptiness with a pair of black earphones plugged into my ears and the musicality of DCFC in-sync with my emotions.

Transatlanticism is just one of the many DCFC songs that I constantly replay day by day, hour by hour.

Transatlanticism

The Importance Of Being Idle

The Importance Of Being Idle

Ashleigh and Jakob - Hip Hop

Ashleigh and Jakob - Hip Hop

Twilex -- Alex and Twitch hip hop

Twilex -- Alex and Twitch hip hop

To Quote ... Love. An Epidemic.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

~ Neil Gaiman

“What makes life worth living is knowing that one day you'll wake up and find the person that makes you happier than anything in the whole world. So don't ever lose hope and give up, everything turns out okay and the good guy always wins.”

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”

“Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.”

~ Dr Joyce Brothers

“Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry.”

“A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.”

To Quote ... Love. An Epidemic.

Crossroads - The Road (Might) Not Taken

Life is a mystery waiting to be unravelled. A story full of never ending tales, intimidating as it is the unknown, the unpredictable.

Life has strewn about so many choices and options. So many open doors and some closed forever. But you never know if one of the doors will lead you to right where you need to be .. or where you want to be.

Has it ever occurred to anyone that whatever life throws at us, it might be for our own good? But what if the choices we made were bad? Where is this silver lining I keep hearing people say? Why is it that everytime I think I got away, they pull me back in?

Life's questions unanswered. 

Maybe I like it better that way.

There's a bright path right in front of me, unobstructed by any means, and yet I feel that the path is still unclear. I have yet created more crossroads, more paths that intertwine with the path that I tread on. I have complicated things yet again with this tainted heart and emotional rollercoaster that is me.

I have already determined using my head, and now my heart is questioning my every move. I thought that I have learnt to tame my heart to not overpower my judgement and yet it does so anyway.

And so the question forms in my mind yet again.

Which road shall I take?

Which path shall lead me to happiness?

Should I or should I not?

Crossroads - The Road (Might) Not Taken

From Manila With Love

It's been 3 weeks and 2 days since I last left my dearest homeland for a 4 hour flight distant land .. a land of a thousand islands, but my destination was only to one specific island from the lot.

I have been to a few memorable faces, and have now increased and have now expanded my portfolio of acquaintances and friends to Phillipino folks over here throughout the duration I've been staying here and I intend to expand it even more.

Is this to say I have no friends back home? Heck no. I have friends. They irk me. They stress me out. But hey ... that's what friends do. But all in all, they make me laugh, they make me smile, they comfort me when I'm down. Ultimately, when I need them, they are there.

Anyway, what has Manila done for me?

The main purpose (for me) to head on to Manila is for experience purposes. It's not so much of sightseeing considering that I've been sent here for 7 weeks (which then 3 more weeks were added on to my stay), so there'll be plenty of that for sure. But, it's more of a what Nigel Lythgow always seem to tell the contestants in 'So You Think You Can Dance', that he wants to see them grow.

The question is ... have I grown? Its hard to say. I am, after all, a slow learner. LOL

I'd like to think that I have as I have, to some degree, been able to control some of my facial expressions and attitude as to now reflect the negativity although my heart and my emotions are full of bull at the time, but for the sake of training purposes, I have been able to let the emotions slide by, if only for a while. I believe, that n itself, is an achievement for me.

However, I have still not allowed my heart to grow as much as I needed it to grow. I am still a hopeless romantic and head over heels over every guy that catches my eye. Darn it!

Manila guys, I'm afraid to say as to not sound betrayal towards my nation, are so damn HOT!!!! -ter than those back home. LOL

Maybe it's being the fact that they're a mixed bunch of people ... Spanish blood, Phillipino blood (for sure), and all sorts of blood ... I mean ... look at D-Trix for instance ... hello ... cutie pie!

So of course ... I'm spoilt for choice ;D not that I have a chance in hell though. But, well, it's refreshing for the eyes ... I wake up and see hot guys, before I go to bed I see hot guys ... it's a win-win situation for me. I don't have to get to know them. Seeing them is more than enough. Seeing a smile on their face is like WOW ... I've yet to see this one guy smile yet. I've still got 6 weeks to go. By hook or by crook, I'm gonna get him to smile.

Just a thing though ... I'm too .. how to say, hard at smiling myself? Well, it's more due to the fact that it's difficult for me to show courtesy to guys I like because I don't want them to know I like them? It's like back in junior school .... you like someone, and you bully them ... Dang! I have not grown up it seems.

Well ... on another note, I'm cooking more now (out of desperation) so ... kudos to my future husband. He's gonna get one heck of a wife ... you lucky man!!!!!

;D

From Manila With Love

http://www.rdasia.com/Jokes/funniest

http://www.rdasia.com/Jokes/funniest

http://www.rdasia.com/Jokes/funniest

To Be Or Not To Be ... The Infinite Question

I sometimes wonder why my blogs almost, if not, always dwell on doom and gloomy subjects. Am I so depressed that it's always negative? Everything I write has to be negative?

No, I am not depressed. It's just that, as I have once mentioned during an introductory session in one of a Learning & Development class I attended last year, "I find inspiration in depression."

I suppose that is true for everyone. When you're in this very deep, emotional state of mind (which one always in during times of sadness) you are bound to think quite a lot. You will be dwelling on so many things ... verging on exaggeration (re the sadness) that you are more inspired, to say the least, to pen down your thoughts as it is almost a form of release when you are able to see the 'pain' in words typed out in front of you.

 In the last week itself, whilst staring aimlessly into the glare of my two monitor screens, I was in such a state of melancholy that I had to Google 'prayers for inner peace' just to get by the day.

I had to get back in touch with my spirituality as I felt that getting close to God is the only way I can find peace, to calm my state of mind.

It had me thinking. While I was sitting, praying for His guidance, I realised that I have not been close to Him. I have lost in touch with Him. I have almost forgotten Him. And he found a way for me to remember ... through pain and through life obstacles, did I only found the righteous path once more.

I fear that once this emotional negativity is over and done with, that I will once again forget Him. I pray that it will not happen. Because I know, once I forget, He will find a way to make me remember. And I cannot take another heartbreak of such a kind. 

He has given me so much love and joy in my life that I was too blind to see as the obstacles laid down in front of me, shielded my vision and the gratitude that I have so much more than I realised, slipped from my train of thoughts.

Recently, my health came to a pause as the long neglect of my own well-being has finally caught on. My lungs are not strong as twice in two months I have undergone a small breathing test and both times, I fell short of the minimum capacity.

At my age, my height, my weight, the minimal lung capacity that I should easily achieve is 400. The first time I went to the respiratory specialist, my first trial, I only achieved 360. Another trial, it decreased to 350. The third time, 320.

I was thus given some medication as it was suspected that this was due to small inflammation in my esophagus that obstructed my breathing capacity. A follow up appointment was thus made one month later.

It got better after a week of the treatment. But after the weekend at Chilling Falls, (what with the icy, cold stream of water and the 1 hour trek to and back from the waterfall) I suppose it was too much for me. The hoarseness came back. My head became heavy again. The back of my throat itched again.

Another breathing test. First trial - 350. Lets do this again - 380. One more time - 360. Still not good. Still unable to reach even the bare minimum.

The good doctor upped the medication and added an inhaler to 'strengthen' my lungs.

Throughout the three visits to the hospital, I spent almost RM 800! I suppose more than that if you add the taxi fares as well.

Darn. My fingers are so blue. What the heck? It's not even cold.

I need a change of scenery. Health-wise, and personally, I am determined to change myself. Although words have been spoken hindering me to leave, I have to turn a blind eye ... for my own personal and professional benefit, I need to leave. I realise that I am missing out on opportunities that don't come knocking everyday, but I'd rather miss that out than hurt anymore.

I pray that I have the blessings of my parents, I believe that I will, and it puts a smile on my face to know that they only wish the best and my ultimate happiness in life and thereafter.

And I also know, that my decision will ultimately affect my relationship with God, InsyaAllah, for the better.

Amen

"What is destined will reach you, even if it be underneath two mountains. What is not destined, will not reach you, even if it be between your two lips!"

— An Arabic proverb 

"O you who believe! seek assistance through patience and prayer; surely Allah is with the patient. (The Cow 2.153)"

To Be Or Not To Be ... The Infinite Question

Danial

I love my little Danial. He's my youngest brother, the youngest of eight kids. I took this picture of him during the middle of the night, the several nights I forced him to sleep with me. He didn't want to because he's more close to his brother, Sofwan. But I wanted him to be with me anyway because I only go back home once a month on weekends. I really miss him so.

I'm writing this piece as I'm watching Glutton For Punishment. Bob Blummer's entering a Flair Bartending Competition at a National level. It's interesting ... he came in 7th which is pretty cool considering he only trained for 7 days.

I miss Danial so much.

My sister blames me for baby-ing him too much. I can't help it. For me, (and for my mum) he is a baby. He's our baby.
Regardless of his age, him being the youngest (and we don't have any other baby to baby) we just continue to love him like a baby.

He's too cute and too adorable. I can't stop loving him.

He doesn't know how much he means to me, but he is my favourite.

Danial

The Ultimate Wish

You could call me a dreamer, but I'd like to think of myself as an achiever. I strive to attain my goals, no matter how insignificant others might perceive of the goals I have sent for myself. I resent the thought that inhibits my ability to go through it all.

Obstacles are set to ensure the satisfaction guaranteed once the goals are attained. If it is easy as pie, it wouldn't be an accomplishment that you can forever cherish.

My ultimate goal is for the betterment of my life - present and future. I have a career that showcases my knowledge and capability, that has catapulted me to the top of the ladder in terms of recognition. I have achieved thus far career-wise that I must now focus on other important goals that I need to achieve in my life.

Never have I felt the beauty of being in a relationship. Never have a felt the gentle caress of a man against my skin, with ever touch he showers his love upon me. Never have I felt the sensation of being loved by someone so deeply.

And I wish all that and more.

Do I wish to be in a relationship with Faliq (above picture)? I cannot deny but that has always been swimming in my head. His face pops in my every dream. When I wake up, he's the first person I see when I open my eyes (could be due to the fact that he's my wallpaper in my handphone).

Am I crazy for thinking this way? Has maturity not bestow itself upon me yet that I am still living in a fantasy world? They do say love makes people do crazy things.

But how can I be in love when I don't even know this man? How can I be in love when he doesn't even know of my existence? I have no clue and I have no answer to that. All I can say is that I wish and I do desire.

No, I am not a stalker.
No, I am not a dreamer.
No, I am not crazy.

Faliq personifies all that I desire in a man. He is charismatic, charming, successful, intelligent, a gentleman with impeccable taste. I can't deny his good looks has indeed affected my judgement as well. Thus, is it wrong for me to be attracted to such an individual? How can someone not be?

This is, though, a much more 'attainable' dream than those that I have dreamt about. Attainable being at least he is Malaysian, he isn't a celebrity. He's Faliq.

The Ultimate Wish

Blood Suckers

It didn't hurt. Not even a slight pinch. It was surprising. The least I expected was an ants bite. And yet, nothing. The long, thin needle pierced into my skin. Drawing out the blood from my veins. The dark, red liquid gushing out like tapwater.

I was shocked at the amount of blood that was taken from me.

Horrible thoughts swam through my head. Will I survive? Will there be enough blood left for my heart to pump oxygen throughout my entire anatomy?

My head was already spinning. Is this an indication that there actually is something wrong? Perhaps it could be due to the fact that my inability to sleep prolonged ... far too long ... I have not slept in days.

My body is weakening due to lack of rest. My brain's inability to properly function ... my inability to endure hardship ... it's taking a toll on me.

Slowly, a stabbing yet subtle pain was felt on my left arm (the doctor drew blood from my left arm because she was unable to find a vein on my right arm ... the left arm wasn't much help either, she forced the needle even though the vein wasn't prominent .. pure luck nothing bad happened to me). Drawing out the needle hurts more than the needle going in.

Yes, I knew that from watching too many episodes and re-runs of CSI: Crime Scene Investigators, CSI: Miami and CSI: New York. If you stab a person, that person may not die ... as the blade actually acts as a block for the body from bleeding out. Only if you pull the knife out ... then it's sayonara!

It still hurts a little ... even though it's now 7 hours later. Well, it's not really painful, just a little numb.

I fear if I dare to take off the bandage, I'd see something that would probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

Oh .. and never again! Never again will I endure going through a full medical check up. Not because of my fear of needles or blood. (I have no qualms over this ... I'm a big, strong girl) but the ECG!!!!

I should have done my homework prior to coming to the hospital. i hadn't a single clue as to what an ECG could have been.

Sure, I found out soon enough. To test the heart. Sounds simple right? What's so frightening about that?

OMG! Oh my Lord!

I had not the faintest idea that to take this frickin' ECG heart test, I actually had to flash my boobs!
Yeah, when the medical assistant asked me to take off any metal objects (like my watch and my bra, because of the under-wire), I thought ... OK. Easy enough.

Then lying down on the bed, she said she'll put the thingy on my wrists, my feet, and my chest.

Still hadn't a clue.
Clueless.

The shock came when she said I had to lift my top.
Say what?!! Come again?!! Lift as in ... reveal my twins? Seriously?

Heck .. the only other person who's ever seen my boobs is my own reflection!

But that ain't the worst part. Oh no. There was more.

She had to place this gel on several parts of my left boob.
At the side, under, the other side, far back. And to top it all off, stick this thingamajig sucking device on those areas. Again, scrutinizing my boobs.

No, I'm not saying she's gay and has a knack for looking at people's boobs. Just that, well, it's embarrassing don't you think so? And plus what with the cold, gust of wind from the air-conditioning! You know what happens to a woman's bosom during the cold!

OMG!!!!

Well ... the worst is yet to come. Imagine when I get married and preggers and all that shite?!! The doc is gonna see waaaay more than anyone should.

Blood Suckers

Anticipation - A Blessing and A Curse

In less than 6 hours, my appointment with the doctor will commence. At least, that's what I'm hoping for when I called up the hospital to make an appointment.
She told me that I'd probably have to wait a bit as there are going to be a few students coming in to get their shots.
So, my appointment will most probably be pushed later, how much later I'm not really sure. But I hope it won't take too long as I was told I had to fast from 12 am until the time when the doctor says I can eat.

*sigh*

I'm dreading the moment as I hate to go to the doctors. It's just not natural for me. I'm not the type of person who likes to be the subject of an examination.
And that is exactly what I will have to endure tomorrow ... err ... later today, I mean.

What is swimming through my mind is that I go through all the medical check up that I'm required to (or what I signed up for) and the doctor will say that everything is A-OK. I'm in tip-top shape and I can go through life without a worry.

Should be a good thing, right?

Well ... not so much. Good news and bad news.

Good news is I'm healthy.

Bad news is ... what the heck was I worrying myself, my family and my friends for? If everything is OK. I've been worried sick because of my blue nails (previous post ... before Quest Crew). I can hardly breathe if I do a little bit of cardio ... like climbing the stairs to my house ...
My brain giving me a constant headache because it's being such a pain in the arse for being in pain. And yet, if there's nothing wrong (as the two doctors at Klinik Mediveron, Ampang both said) then I'd be the laughing stock of the town.

My parents will never take me seriously again. I'd be labeled a drama queen with a capital D-R-A-M-A ... although, I am already dubbed a drama queen but not to that extent.

Then again, if it is bad news, well ... lets hope there's a cure. That's all I'm asking for.

It's still cold. My nails are still purple. I still can't sleep at night.

Lets just say ... right now ... I'd rather the bad news than good.

Anticipation - A Blessing and A Curse