No, I am not depressed. It's just that, as I have once mentioned during an introductory session in one of a Learning & Development class I attended last year, "I find inspiration in depression."
I suppose that is true for everyone. When you're in this very deep, emotional state of mind (which one always in during times of sadness) you are bound to think quite a lot. You will be dwelling on so many things ... verging on exaggeration (re the sadness) that you are more inspired, to say the least, to pen down your thoughts as it is almost a form of release when you are able to see the 'pain' in words typed out in front of you.
In the last week itself, whilst staring aimlessly into the glare of my two monitor screens, I was in such a state of melancholy that I had to Google 'prayers for inner peace' just to get by the day.
I had to get back in touch with my spirituality as I felt that getting close to God is the only way I can find peace, to calm my state of mind.
It had me thinking. While I was sitting, praying for His guidance, I realised that I have not been close to Him. I have lost in touch with Him. I have almost forgotten Him. And he found a way for me to remember ... through pain and through life obstacles, did I only found the righteous path once more.
I fear that once this emotional negativity is over and done with, that I will once again forget Him. I pray that it will not happen. Because I know, once I forget, He will find a way to make me remember. And I cannot take another heartbreak of such a kind.
He has given me so much love and joy in my life that I was too blind to see as the obstacles laid down in front of me, shielded my vision and the gratitude that I have so much more than I realised, slipped from my train of thoughts.
Recently, my health came to a pause as the long neglect of my own well-being has finally caught on. My lungs are not strong as twice in two months I have undergone a small breathing test and both times, I fell short of the minimum capacity.
At my age, my height, my weight, the minimal lung capacity that I should easily achieve is 400. The first time I went to the respiratory specialist, my first trial, I only achieved 360. Another trial, it decreased to 350. The third time, 320.
I was thus given some medication as it was suspected that this was due to small inflammation in my esophagus that obstructed my breathing capacity. A follow up appointment was thus made one month later.
It got better after a week of the treatment. But after the weekend at Chilling Falls, (what with the icy, cold stream of water and the 1 hour trek to and back from the waterfall) I suppose it was too much for me. The hoarseness came back. My head became heavy again. The back of my throat itched again.
Another breathing test. First trial - 350. Lets do this again - 380. One more time - 360. Still not good. Still unable to reach even the bare minimum.
The good doctor upped the medication and added an inhaler to 'strengthen' my lungs.
Throughout the three visits to the hospital, I spent almost RM 800! I suppose more than that if you add the taxi fares as well.
Darn. My fingers are so blue. What the heck? It's not even cold.
I need a change of scenery. Health-wise, and personally, I am determined to change myself. Although words have been spoken hindering me to leave, I have to turn a blind eye ... for my own personal and professional benefit, I need to leave. I realise that I am missing out on opportunities that don't come knocking everyday, but I'd rather miss that out than hurt anymore.
I pray that I have the blessings of my parents, I believe that I will, and it puts a smile on my face to know that they only wish the best and my ultimate happiness in life and thereafter.
And I also know, that my decision will ultimately affect my relationship with God, InsyaAllah, for the better.
Amen
"What is destined will reach you, even if it be underneath two mountains. What is not destined, will not reach you, even if it be between your two lips!"
— An Arabic proverb
"O you who believe! seek assistance through patience and prayer; surely Allah is with the patient. (The Cow 2.153)"
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