Blue-sy Life

Life imitates art.
To some degree. To some extent. Although, not entirely. My overly imaginative brain is working overtime.

It's weird how you thought nothing can hurt you. You've been through life and bumped into disastrous incidences, obstacles, and you came out of it all, with bruises and cuts, but your head remains intact.

You think you're invincible. Immune to life's petty plagues and viruses. You walked through the H1N1 epidemic with your head held high and stared the disease right in the eyes and came out on top. It didn't dare come near you.

Your migraine though, is a frequent visitor. Knocks on your door every now and again, but it still can't bring you down. Now matter how your brain throbs, your veins feel like they're about to burst ... And yet, not an MC in sight. Not a single one.

Bravo!

The conditions, the rules have now been set at a higher level. The roads are getting tougher. The weather ain't your friend anymore. Your body is starting to wear down. You don't want to give up ... but then, it's starting to become really cold.

Too cold. That's odd. This tingling sensation, the frost biting at your bones, you didn't even experience that in winter. You cannot be experiencing worse in warm, sunshiny Malaysia. It's just not possible.

Is it the air-conditioning? Well, I can't lie. It is freezing. Everyone else says it too.

But why is it still all too weird? As your fingers dance across the keyboard, tap tapping away giddily, you notice something peculiar. Since when is it so frickin' cold, that my nails are becoming blue?

I kid you not. Sometimes, they aren't that blue. But a washed-out purple-ish hue, which is still abnormal as it should be a pinkish colour ... which is human.

Taking a cold shower on a scorching hot afternoon. The water feels like ice. What is going on? Now, this is way too much. Your nails are blue. Too blue. The bluest blue a nail could ever be (which is not painted in polish)

Google is my life saver. At least, he provided me the answers I seek ... partially.

Insufficient oxygen.

Since when did I stop breathing? But, I can totally agree with this cause of blue nails. My fingers feel icy cold. I, myself, am freezing to death. My head is spinning, it feels sort of heavy, yet so airily light. I can't feel myself think. I can't think straight. My writing is crap.
That's the ultimate symptom. Never in my life has my writing sucked as much as this.

Darn it.

Blue-sy Life

Impulse Reactions

I'm trying to recollect as to why I had initially chosen "impulse Reactions" for the title of this post. Seeing that when I initially wanted to scribble down my thoughts, the internet connection was a wee bit problematic, thus I was unable to pen anything down for the matter.

I'd hate to remove the post entirely (which is a weird thing to say seeing that there wasn't anything on this post except the title) and so I will still be using "Impulse Reactions" although it is no longer a homage to what I originally intended.

Perhaps I should start by defining what I meant by impulse reactions...if I can remember it correctly, I never meant it as a 'reaction' per say, as I am not 'reacting' towards an incident. It's more leaning towards acting impulsively. However, should I use that as a title, somehow,  don't think it would suit my dramatic personality.

Yes. I am rather a dramatic person. More of a drama queen. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen will best suit me if not for the fact that I am neither a teenager, nor in pursuit of a singing/acting career. For I have neither the interest and (most importantly) the talent. Thus, making me disinterested.

Although, I do like ... nah! I like emcee-ing, but I have a severe case of stage fright which is evident when I had to go up to the stage to collect my award for Best GSE back in 2009.

Wow... it seems like a lifetime ago, when it's only been a few months back.

Impulsive. I believe that does sum up my characteristics. I do act rather impulsively.

Talking without thinking? Well, it's nothing new. I do try one way or another to curb that nasty habit, especially in the work place. You do need to maintain in the management's good books. But, occasionally, one does tend to slip up from time to time.

I remember once I was supposedly talking to both of my neighbours, which turns out, they didn't understand a word I was saying. It could have been mumbo jumbo for all they care ... although it was plain and simple English. And I was too lazy to repeat myself so I didn't bother.

Hehe .. the things that happen at work. I swear it's more like a playground at times. And I guess that is for the better. It makes life more easier and meaningful. I'd hate it if it were too quiet.
After all, they do say, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

I'm pretty much bored out of my kahunas right now. I am absolutely too lazy to even put on any decent clothes to go out, plus I don't really have the fivers to spare anyway. Just waiting for Monday at 9PM when the money starts piling up in my account.

Other than that, I can still survive Monday. I've got enough cash for dinner and lunch. If not, the backup plan will be, I'd actually cook a meal for tomorrow.

We'll see how that goes.

In a nutshell, my erratic behaviour once more demonstrates how impulsive I can be. No planning, no preparation. Just going in head first and hoping for the best.

Impulse Reactions

I Demand !!!

View all events on Eventful

I Demand !!!

Confessions of A Drowned-in-debt Youngster

Monetary Woes

The clock shows a disturbing figure. It is now past noon and I am still huddling in my pyjamas in front of my pink, HP Mini. My long, awkward fingers tapping on the keyboard trying to spell out words to my thoughts and hoping it will somehow reach out to the world of the existence of my insignificant being.

The steady buzzing of my table fan drowns the sound of my own sanity, straight into oblivion. My head is crammed with negativity, thoughts of pain and misery overshadows all the light that has been bestowed upon me. How thankful I should actually be. But thankful I am not.

I can probably be the most ungrateful wretch that has ever walked the Earth. But then again, there are worse than I, and I believe I am safe to say that I am a far cry from the world's worst in any category known to man.

My issues are not something new ... at least not to the financial world. As the financial crisis that struck the world with its unforgiving might, slow and steadily slips away from the human memory (at least to those that have not suffered substantially might have forgotten it ever happened at all), my own personal financial crisis looms over me like a dark cloud threatening to unleash its most outrageous torrent it can ever manage.

And yet, I still am able to stay in my own box, known as 'denial'. I fail to be able to interpret the result of this whole mess is an impact of my own lack of ownership and accountability. It was from my own disgraceful spending habit that has caused so much pain to my own self.

Writing this all down is but merely a jest to the world. As if I am merely convincing myself that I know now what needs be done and that is to lessen my expenditure.

And yet, I can only talk the talk, but walking? There is just a too long path for me to seek, and the pride in me is holding me back from my journey to self-recovery.

Disappointment seems to follow me like a puppy to its master. Every step taken is under scrutiny, not by my own eyes nor the people around me. But by God himself. I sense the disappointment. I hear the long sigh from a distance and I look to the sky, and it is no longer blue as the moment I woke up. But a grey storm is looming as my blatant disregard for my own spirituality fades away into the darkness.

I must confess. It wasn't easy to write this piece as I felt ashamed that my actions has betrayed me and that I am suffering in my own feces of debt.

Alas, at such a young age with a mere two years of experience in the working world and already I have mastered the art of spending freely and without caution.

Has not time taught me anything? Each new incident of caution has crept upon me and enlightened me that my wrongdoings are just that ... wrong. But with each new 'miracle' I seem to forget the past so quickly, the sound of light is left in the dust like an old hound.

The past telephone call I made hopefully will be the last straw and hopefully, I will now understand the significance of my actions and the measures I must undertake to ensure my sanity remains intact.

This piece is a cry for help to all those who listen. I beg for a helping hand in my journey to a new and improved me. I plea for release from this prison that I have been sentenced to. I need to debt free or the very least, less in debt than I am currently in.

I hope, with some degree of poetic harshness, this warning will finally sink in and my eyes will thus open with wideness and my sight cleared with such clarity and debt will be deleted from my vocabulary.

Confessions of A Drowned-in-debt Youngster

Memories of You

Watching you on my video screen
I'm amazed by how much you've changed
The things that you've seen

And here I am in loneliness
So fast you've moved on
And the tears continue flowing
Together with the moon and the sun

No I can't stop this feeling
It's tugging right at my heart
And the open seas just show how much that we've grown apart

The wind will come blowing
With images and whispering your voice
And I wish I'd made the right moves
I wish I made the right choice

I can't keep holding back
But I'm holding back still
I can't keep wishing I could turn around
And yet I continue wishing

It seems so pathetic that I'm still holding on to you
When you've moved on so far away
And left me in the blue
Though the nights filled with memories of you

I'm praying for the best
That someday God will bring me joy
And we'll be together again, at last

Memories of You

If Only

Don't I deserve a second go

To say the words I love you so
Or didn't my face say it all
When my eyes lit up just seeing you near
Did you have to go away?
Not a word .. not a whisper .. not a sound

Was I wrong to turn my back on you
Afraid you'll see the truth in my eyes
Doubting what you felt
Was it the same as of I

You should know
I regret every word
I regret every move
Or lack thereof

If I could, I would
I would change the past
And you will then know the truth

Of the way you make me feel
The way you make me smile
The words I wish to utter so bad

And the pain and the hurt from holding it back
The mask that I put on everytime you're around me
Everytime you come near
With that sweet smile you greet me
Can I have you back in my life?
Did you have to move on so soon

I've been always thinking of you
Even though I lie to myself everytime I do

I flip through the albums of memories past
And wonder what it would be ...
Any different than this
If only ...
What if ...

If Only

Dublin My Dear

January's calendar shows a herd of sheep in the snow

All walking in a line, shivering against the blistering cold
One wonders what each the woolly being is thinking
Brings back fond memories of winter days in Dublin



I love that little Irish City
The food, the parks, the stores
The movies we'd watch from end-to-end
The comedies, the drama and of course, the horrors



It was there that I first met him
The first sight, the first smile
And Dublin was my only witness
But it lasted only for a while



I've moved on but my heart remains sorrow
The pictures are now but a blur
Now I've only to look forth for tomorrow
And hope one day
Hopefully may
Return to dear old Dublin, once more

Dublin My Dear